Don’t believe me, huh? All right, I’ll tell you the truth. Leastways I’ll tell you what I can remember.
I remember going to the steakhouse.
I remember having a drink at Miss Sweet’s saloon.
I remember being disappointed Miss Sweet wasn’t around.
I remember… (*looks over shoulder to make sure Miss Houston ain’t listening*) …going to Cordelia’s Parlor.
I remember having eggs for breakfast with Cordelia.
I remember going back to Miss Sweet’s place, hoping I’d see her. I didn’t.
I remember hiding from Granny Applegate when I crossed the street to the barbershop.
I remember having a good time at the Lazy B.
I remember a ruckus.
I remember accidentally busting a chair over the deputy’s head.
I remember waking up in jail with a sore head and aching ribs.
I remember Sheriff Rogers laughing when he brought me soup. Ten days running.
The rest is a little hazy. I’m sorry if I let anyone down. I guess the only thing I’m good at is being bad. Maybe I ain’t so good at that, either. I’m just glad to be home for my birthday on Thursday. Not that I expect anyone will remember.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Miss Houston and I have a little catching up to do.
*Door closes*
Housty, you’re wonderful. Just look at that – steak and onions with potatoes and plenty of gravy. Mm-mmm.
What are you doing?
What, now?
Don’t I get to eat first?
Yeah, I know I said you had a spanking coming to you, but… oh what the hell. The steak can wait.
34 comments:
Valance, you are one tough hombre, but you got to take it easy, Pard. You're living fast and hard and that leads to an early death. Like Josey once said, "Dying ain't much of a living."
I take it son, they ain`t your bloomers in the picture? If`n so, gonna have ta re-evaluate ya!
Chey, don't be re-evaluatein' nothin' those are mine and Valance will be removing them soon so...
*Miss Housty gives a sweet smile and closes the door with a devil's twinkle in her eyes. From behind the door her voice rings out*
Just give us a few hours and then we'll be out...there's a hot steak on the table...enjoy it Chey! You'll find whiskey under Valance's chair!"
The sounds of love filtered the cabin
*Steps outside...*
Hmm, I hear what you say Johnny. I ain't scared of dying, but maybe I should slow down a little. Hell, when the reaper comes I'm gonna spit in his eye and tell him I'm ready.
The only thing you need to re-evaluate Cheyenne, is your eyesight. Or I'm gonna re-evaluate your nose.
*Steps back inside... takes Miss Houston into his arms... gives her a big ol' smoochy hug*
Wait a minute... did I hear right... you gave my steak and whiskey to Cheyenne?!
Now look what you've done, Mister V, worrying over you has bust my computer. Only got this midget machine to use now. Still it is good to have you back even if it's only a shoulder to cry on.
Why thank ya, Miss H! I do believe I will! (Takes steak ans consumes avidly!) Burppp!.....That sure was good! Hey Valance? My eye sights jus fine! .........(drinks from a bottle of Dalmore) AaaaH! Great snakes son! Thats some powerful stuff! See ya later, have fun, and dont do anything I wouldnt do! Which dont leave ya much!
Hey Housty! I forgot ta say, you do look cute! (eyes the de-eelightful Miss H, up down across and diagonally!) We-ell now! Ya sure do look invitin`? ......(shakes his head, coughs slightly) Sorry Miss H! Got somethin` better ta do! Like finish this bottle, it`ll last longer and make me feel better! By Hon!
Sorry if you let me down! Have you any idea how long I spent baking you pies and cakes and biscuits? Wanted to show I wasn't holding a grudge after you cancelled the cooking contest and all the lovely entries I'd left on your porch disappeared. *Sigh*
Suppose I'd better give the food to someone who appreciates it. Here, Nameless ... you fancy a baked ham and a treacle tart and strawberry shortcake?
Hey! Valance! What about me? You two-timing son of a.... Aw, sucks. You just ain't worth it.
Now just hold on a minute Miss Valerie. I get blamed for enough things around here as it is, without getting blamed for that. You ain’t pinning that one on me. I ain’t been back a day yet and I’ve been here all the time. I got witnesses, too. I ain’t been anywhere near your computer and what’s more… a shoulder to cry on, you say? Aww, I’m sorry Miss Valerie. You can lean on my shoulder anytime, but please don’t cry.
Darn it Cheyenne. Some friend you are! You might as well take my dang blasted woman with you, seeing as you’ve helped yourself to just about everything else I got.
Aww, I’m sorry Miss Patsy. But what else was I supposed to do? I didn’t see any pies, and didn’t see any cakes or biscuits either. Oh hell, what’s the use? I give up. Go ahead, give everything to Nameless, see if I care. I’ll go catch myself a critter and make some soup. And don’t think you’re getting any, ‘cause you ain’t.
Sucks, Miss Frances? What’s the matter, ain’tcha got your teeth in? Yeah, I know, I ain’t worth it. Levitt E. Worthless Valance, that’s me. I don't know why I bothered coming home. But I still think you're beautiful, even without your teeth.
Hey Mr V. Of course people care... Some of us just sole fly stalk... I mean visit (;
Wanted to pop in and give a hug to you.
Thanks Miss Cecile. I'll take a hugging from you anytime, but I'd feel a whole lot better if you cooked me a steak. Can you believe that woman of mine? I'd barely sniffed that steak when she gave it away to Cheyenne. Gave the varmint my whiskey, too.
Valance? Your a good guy! Straight talker, reliable, tough, an` generous!
There ain`t another man around I could call on in a tough situation! Thats the darndest truth! Shucks! I owe`s ya ma life son!
If `twernt fur that there bottle o` whiskey an` that there steak(?) I`d a been deader`er than a Rattlesnake at a Hoe down! See? `atween you an` me, I got me an` aversion ta clean livin` an` workin`! Truth is Valance, I ain`t got no one! No money, no woman, an` no hoss! Tha`s right!No hoss!
She done gone an` run off, left me afoot! Dawggone it!
I`m ramblin` son! Gotta get outta this here paragraph It be`in a Sunday an` all. Give ma thanks ta ol Hawk! Fur the steak an` all!
You are quite welcome Mr. V.
***Hugs coming your way***
You know I don't mind helping out a friend... How about we cook together! We are good in the kitchen together, lol! And you know I always have my own stash of liquor... Pick your poison! And I will make sure Cheyenne doesn't get any! But as for that woman of yours... Well, you know that is my best friend... So, I won't say why she did what she did... Can't say that I know either... But if she saw fit to give it to him, I am sure she had her reason, lol!
Hope you have a great Sunday Mr. V... Enjoy the steak and liquor!
Winter draws on. :-)
My heart’s just bleeding for you, Cheyenne. I’d give you my last whiskey but you’ve already had it. I’d give you my last steak but you’ve had that too. Good thing you don’t smoke, ‘cause cigarettes is all I got left. At least you can ramble on a full stomach.
Cook together, Miss Cecile? Hmm, I’m sorely tempted, but you and Miss Houston being such good friends, I don’t know whether I can take the risk. Once upon a time I’d have been over to your kitchen before you could say lickety-split, but now I ain’t so sure. Hell, I must be getting old. Enjoy my steak and liquor? Huh, that’s a good one. I had critter soup for breakfast and I’ll be eating critter soup for supper. If it wasn’t for Miss Valerie I’d have no liquor either. I’ve got some whiskey set aside, but I’ll die before I tell anyone but Miss Valerie where it’s stashed.
Howdy Miss Ann. That’s a little personal, ain’t it? Oh well, I guess a gal’s gotta protect her interests. Have you caught up with one of them haggis’s yet? I never had haggis meat before. Does it taste like steak? I’d sure love a steak for my birthday on Thursday. Not that I’m hinting, you understand.
Halito! Hello, Mr. Valance! I was about ready to leave and just not come back. I was almost ready to shut down my Rendezvous, and call it quits! Glad to see you back, though...
My lips are sealed, Mister V. Nobody will find the whisky where we've hidden it. Can't hang around, computer issues are getting in the way of communicating further.
Nope Haggis tastes nothing like steak Mr V. I should send you over a tinned haggis as I am sure the customs folk wouldn't let a fresh one in your country without at least a vets certificate lol
they are are very hard to catch as they run on 5 legs. * looks around and winks*
Gosh you and I could almost be twins Mr V ! as it will be my birthday 8 days after yours! hope your BD is a good one.
Mr. V. I thought I saw you at bible study this past week. Yep, I think I did.
I was surprised Miss Cordelia was there, but I reckon' everyone needs to get some Jesus once in awhile. I will say I was surprised it was held at the saloon, but heck, who am I to say anything.....I mean I sure ain't throwing stones.
It was you weren’t it?
You had gone missing and it was the least I could do to come look for you! I know how Miss Houston gets powerful upset when she thinks something has happened to you. YEP she sure does.
Here! I finally was able to cook up some steak and onions. I thought a little gravy and some rolls would go nicely so I brought those too. Eat your fill. I brought plenty for the boys and Nameless. I know how you all are darn near starving. Poor poor things!
Who`s Birthday???.....Have`n I missed another drink?
Just remembered you said you were having a Birthday ... didn't you have one of those last year? What you doing ... collecting them? Suppose you'll be wanting one of those hidden bottles!!
Howdy Miss Trinity. Glad to see you again. Shut down your blog? Why the blazes would you do that? Hell, you ain’t even got started yet. Now you just sit right down and tell me about it.
You’re darned tootin’, Miss Valerie. Nobody’s ever gonna find our stash. Not Miss Houston, not Miss April, not nobody. Even Cheyenne couldn’t sniff it out. Hope you get the problem fixed soon, Pard.
Howdy Miss Ann. Our birthdays are that close? Yup, we could almost be twins; since we’re both the same age and we’re both about to turn thirty two. Can’t say I’m holding out for a good birthday though. I’ve had five in three years and every one of them has been lousy. This one on Thursday is my real one, but I betcha everyone forgets. I won’t forget yours though. Haggis tastes nothing like steak, huh? That’s a shame. Hell, if those jaspers have five legs then I ain’t surprised they’re hard to catch. But if you were to catch one, there’s nothing to stop you bringing it here in person. Y’see, The Porch is a magical place. Time and distance don’t matter here. Just takes a little imagination, that’s all.
Howdy Miss April. Glad to see you again, it’s been a while. Now lemme see… oh yeah, that’s right, bible classes. I remember now, we were singing some psalms. Cordelia was there too? Can’t say I noticed. I was too busy praising the Lord and thanking you – the good shepherd, for coming after a poor little lost sheep that might have gone astray if he’d been inclined, which he wasn’t, though I wouldn’t blame him if he was, if he was hooked up with the kind of woman that gives his steak away. Not like you Miss April, you’re a fine woman. I always said so. And you bringing this steak round here just goes to show it. Mmm-mmm, sure smells good. Thanks Miss April. I’m gonna get stuck right in just as soon as I’ve said Grace.
Cheyenne, the day you miss out on a drink I’ll strip naked and run through town with an anvil tied to my nuts. No, you ain’t missed a drink, but you’re welcome to join me in eating this beautiful steak Miss April made for us. And since you forced it out of me… it’s my birthday on Thursday.
Course I had a birthday last year, Miss Valerie. Didn’t everyone? And now it’s another year and another birthday, on Thursday. Time sure flies, don’t it? Since I never get anything for my birthday but a few measly good wishes, I’ll most likely have to settle for one of those stashed bottles, but I can hope.
Ain't much to tell, Mr. Valance. Not much happening and I was afraid you was gonna be gone for good. Wish I could say there was a lot of exciting stuff going on round my place, but it's slow going. Oh well, catch ya later! Or, as they say in Choctaw: "Chi pinsa lachike!"
I`ll be hav`in a drink for ya son!
Just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy birthday, Mr. Valance! Hope it's a great one!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISTER V.
I've dusted the bottles in readiness for this auspicious occasion. Let me know when you want the party to begin.
Thanks Miss Trinity. Well, quiet or not, I’m glad you’re still around, too. And thank you for the birthday wishes. And thanks for the piece you did for me over at your place. Much appreciated, Pard.
Glad to hear it Cheyenne.
Thanks Miss Valerie. Ain’t nothing to be ‘spicious about. Well, if you’ve dusted off those bottles then we might as well get the party started.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANDSOME COWBOY!!!
HERE'S YOUR GIFT...ME, IN ME CUTE LITTLE NICKERS, A PLATE FULL OF STEAK, POTATOES WITH GRAVY AND GRILLED ONIONS! LOT'S HONEY BREAD AND BUTTER...AND A BIRTHDAY CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING!
I HAVE ONION RINGS ON THE SIDE WITH TATER TOTS AND CHICKEN WINGS!
And last a very BIG HUG AND B-DAY KISS....FROM ME.
MISS HOUSTY!
PS... and I didn't forget the whiskey... here ya' go!
Yahoo!
And when you're done with the food and drink let me know, I got another gift for you!
;-)
LOL .. glad you're back Mr V.
So am I, Miss Diane. So am I!
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